The hotel in San Diego is by a sea harbor. The view is perfect and I want to record it in my head, save it somewhere, take it back home.
You look at the water and you realize there is so much more to know, so much more to learn. You realize you know nothing. You have come far but you’ve got a long way ahead of you.
And it’s kind of sad to think you know so little. To think you know nothing as you stand by the water, faced with its vastness, and the power that’s beyond your reach. It’s sad and the sadness is like a heavy weight on your heart.
But you forget. You look at the ocean to find peace, to find a part of you that has been lost for some time. You close your eyes to be forgotten with the sound of the sea, the sound that puts you to long, quiet sleep.
***
San Diego is caught in a fog at this hour. A fog that makes parting easier, makes sleeping less painful. I haven’t decided if I like the fog, but I know that some of my companions do.
Mimi saw me after five years. She looked vibrant, her cheeks glowing, her smile brining a smile to my face. She fell in love with Mamanbozorg and her boldness. She said no wonder your Maman is the woman she is, fearless and sheytoon. Mimi admired the women in my family and did not forget to credit Baba.
We talked through another round of coffee about life and marriage and kids and the women of Iran.
And then she left and I wished I could take her back to Virginia with me. I wished we could talk and grab coffee and watch movies. I wished a lot of things.
I bought seashells for Nura because she had asked me to. They are pretty and sparkle in the sun. I watched the bay with R and we said nothing. I said nothing and she asked if I was okay and I lied like I always do and said I was fine.
That’s when I watched the water and realized that I am floating in a sea of ignorance. And I know nothing. And there is so much to know.
Thinking is a bitch.
So I am going to sleep. Sleep under the fog of San Diego only to wake up and return to the cold of Virginia…