The summer breeze is almost gone. Soon autumn will come again and the loads of homework and reading will take over my life once again…
Sometimes I think I too am searching for something…something that I don’t really know yet…something inside of me that my heart won’t let go of…
I’ve always wanted to escape but I never could…
I never could let go of my memories in Tehran…
I never could let go of my people…
It’s not easy to escape a place your heart knows so well…it’s like a map, sewed in my heart…I can never possibly let all of it go…all of my guilt for leaving…all of my wanting to go back…it would be like letting go of everything I know. Everything I love. Everything I have. Everything I need to survive…I need my past to survive in this strange yet wonderful world i live in now…I need it to help me go on, to help me move on, to help me find myself again, to help me find my desires and my hopes and my dreams and everything else that belongs to me…i never want to escape those thoughts or memories, i just want to be able to let it be a part of me, but not something that would make me feel guilt or pain or loss or shame… i want it to be a part of who i am but not something that brings me down, not something that tears me apart…

I can’t sleep at night. Maybe it’s insomnia. Or maybe I just want to be awake while it’s still summer time for me and I can relax, look at the moon light and sleep through the morning… I feel the days are too short for me, too little time to catch up on the things I missed while I was in school. Summers are always like this, they come and last a short a time, but they’re enjoyable. My summers have usually been adventurous. One summer I was in San Diego, California for a week; one in Istanbul, Turkey; one in Tehran, Iran; two or three in Europe, on top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, or the biggest movie theater in the world in Brussels, Belgium; three in Manhattan and New Jersey, one in Long Island…So many wonderful memories, so little time…
It’s hard to enjoy the moment. No, it’s hard to remind yourself to enjoy the moment. If you ask if I’m happy, I’d say not really. But satisfied? Yes, I’m satisfied…

I get angry at the world for not letting me in, for shutting me out, for laughing at me, for mocking me, for blaming me, for hating me…
When I’m depressed, life becomes so meaningless that I forget my passions and lust for life, for the adventurous life I fantasize in Manhattan where everything happens, live, right in front of your eyes…I cry myself out and feel sorry for myself, but deep down I know I’ll be okay the next day, I know the world won’t win, I know I’ll get myself out no matter what’s in front of me, even if it is my own desperate image, the part of me that wants to cry and be left alone, the one who craves for attention, the one who needs to exist, even if it is an existence only for others…
A lot of us go through these feelings, this hopelessness and fear of the world around us, the fear of meeting new people, fitting in, being loved, being noticed, and…existing.
The window of hope is not always open, my window too sometimes shuts me out, the rain pours outside and leaves me trapped inside, but I can open it if I want to…it is never too late…