I came on the roof to vocalize and sing. The air was fresh. It was the perfect fall night and the moon glittered, magnificent and orange and a bit creepy. I sang some of my favorite Iranian songs and a helicopter passed by and I imagined a war-zone, where bombs were going off and someone was singing one last time. I ended my song and pulled out my lighter. I smoked into the fresh, black night sky and swayed as I listened to Madonna’s “The Power of Goodbye.” There was no one there – just me, the moon and a beautiful city that hid secrets and covered the loneliness with its pretty blanket. The truth remained to be known only to those whose hearts were broken, who suffered the pain and wandered the city…and here I was on the roof, trying to let go. I could sit for hours, watching the moon, wondering the same thing I always wonder: when will it become okay?
I thought briefly, as I often due out of old habit, about Iran. But more and more, Iran becomes vague, fading into an abyss, and I no longer need to think of it. The idea of it is still somewhat shocking. The fact that it is no longer a tangible space, but a memory, a series of dreams and thoughts and people that are no longer there. Only a few remain whose names I know. And street names that I remember. But the desire to retain it, live and breathe it is no longer present in my state of mind. Even in my heart, the door is closed. There only remains the tragedy of it. It’s like a legend now, a country whose imprisoned writers escaped to tell the story.
I looked to the orange moon ahead of me, in the shape of an imperfect half circle. It was quite orange, the perfect fall color. I wondered what life would be like there, if there was one. Would it perhaps make more sense? I imagined not. I thought about the air I was now polluting, and I thought about letting go and “the power of goodbye” and all my thoughts became a mesh of smoke, rising above without ever solidifying. I bent my body backward, looking at the reversed sky, the starts shimmering, and for a moment reality disappeared.
Where am I? I wondered.