When people leave, there is always an empty space. They’re always present in your heart, but their seat at the table is always empty. When my brother left, when my dad left, when I left, it was all the same. The emptiness, the silence, everything was the same. Dinners were no longer the same, conversations had lost their quality, silence was often the ending of those conversations. Every party was different, every celebration was followed by the words “if they were here…” I got used to it just like I got used to living in America. I began to realize how much I love them. Now many years has passed since our last new year together as a family. My sister is coming here in March. She is getting ready to say good-bye forever, like I did five years ago. Except I didn’t know it would be forever…

I must thank someone very special.
Someone who has always been there for me, has always supported me, and has always loved me. I can not thank him enough. He is given so much to me. He is the greatest and most dear person in my heart.
This site would not be what it is if it wasn’t for him.
My brother has done so much that I am quite speechless.
Thank you dadash!

I’ve been feeling depressed lately, today I’m good though 😉
It’s just life… it’s been hard lately. There have been too many thoughts, too many problems, too little listeners. Everyone has their own problems… They don’t need to hear about mine.
You know, the more seriously you take life, the more serious it becomes. It might sound too simple but it’s true. If you take it hard, it will be hard. If you take it easy, it will be easy.
I get angry at the world sometimes, at everything around me. It is easier to be invisible and dissolve into thin air. But I don’t want that. I want to be part of it. I want to help. I am angry that my homeland is somewhere that I don’t want to go back to. I am angry that I couldn’t have a life in Iran. I miss that. Here in America, some things are still so foreign to me that I want to cry. After all these years, I am still an outsider…

A new year has begun. I’ve changed and so have others. We all change, don’t we?
We get older; we realize things about ourselves that we might not have realized before.
I have been through many realizations over the past few months, years actually.
I know that I have not done much for anyone. I would like to do more this year. Instead of telling my mother I love her every five minutes, I want to show her I love her. Instead of hugging her so much I want to go to the kitchen and wash the dishes for her. Instead of telling my dad he is too quiet, I want to talk to him and ask him what he wants most. Instead of asking my parents to take me shopping, I want to say ‘hey since you love walking lets go walk’. Instead of pretending to be a good daughter, I want to show I’m a good daughter.
My life has been perfect in many ways and not so perfect in other ways. But either way it has been a blast. That is not a lie. Everyone has always loved me, they’ve told me I’ve grown up into a beautiful and smart young lady. Now it is my turn to show them I have grown up. I want to show them that I have plans and that I want to make something out of my life.
2004 already passed and I didn’t get to share a birthday with my siblings. I didn’t get to attend my brother’s wedding. I also didn’t get to write a story and have it published.
But now that it is 2005, I think I still have a chance …

I miss so many moments in my life… I miss the hugs from my siblings…the little joys of childhood…I miss everything… All the years that will never return to me again…All the days that will never come back…I am suddenly weak…Teardrops… I miss everyone, my house, my room… How can anyone understand…What it’s like to leave everything behind, to leave a country that you once thought was yours forever…

Some days it’s hard not to notice the emptiness of our house. My room is filled with pictures and memories, this way I never feel alone. But inside I feel really alone sometimes. The memories of Iran and my childhood, and all the other things that are just pieces of memory for me. I remember some things vividly as though they happened yesterday. Other things, I remember vaguely; sometimes I wish I could go back, re-visit the memory, and keep it locked in my head so I won’t forget it. No matter how happy I am here, how optimistic, how jolly, my heart aches when I think of those who still suffer across the ocean, where my heart belongs… I am such a fool, thinking I can just change the world, push the ocean away, and bring my people some peace …
I am such a fool, thinking I can just change the world, push the ocean away, and bring my people some peace… I am such a fool to think that it is possible to erase the inhumanity that our world is filled with. But I am not a fool to think that there is something we can all do, together, there has to be a way… My room is a gallery of all my life, all the people who gave me their unconditional love, their support, their smile, and their encouragement… I am not alone, though I feel empty within… I have a world of opportunities and I have people who will support me for the rest of my life. I wish things could be easy, life and all. Somewhere in the back of my mind I see those happy days that fled from me so fast, the days when I thought the world was beautiful and no one ever did any harm to anyone else, I was just a child, and those days were beautiful…I hope one day our world could be beautiful again …

A new year is arriving once again. We’ve all been through so much. We’ve been through a long war, dozens of earthquakes and hurricanes, birthdays (I turned 17 by the way), elections, re-elections, weddings, deaths, births, and so on…
But here is the thing, we have another chance, another year to make things right. Well of course not everything will go right, things don’t always go right, but we can try… maybe for a start we won’t start another war across the sea, lets hope not…
I don’t know… I’m just suddenly so excited you know… I think this will be a great year, so welcome 2005. And the year after that I will graduate! Finally break free from all this high school nonsense; actually it wasn’t all nonsense, some of it surprisingly made sense…
Anyway, I am a new person, I am 17, I am excited, and well… I just want to go for it…so we all might as well go for it… Happy new year everyone and don’t forget to smile… Life is just a game, just a funny game…

This year has been a roller coaster for me. I’ve been up, down, up, down, and finally, now, up.
I’ve guessed I came to the realization that I don’t have to perfect; I don’t have to wait for myself to suddenly rise up and change the world. It will take time. Yes, it will take time, but it will happen.
Right now life is too beautiful and I don’t want to waste it with my pathetic thoughts.
It will be foolish of me to go on thinking I won’t make it.
It will be foolish of me to go on thinking I don’t deserve what I have.
So I will enjoy my Thanksgiving and hope everyone else does as well.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Enjoy life!

Almost 100,000 Iraqis have died, along with their friends and families who have suffered. The city is a mess, destroyed, with people full of hatred. I do not think a democracy exists. I do not think the people gained anything. I do not think it was worth it. Why did we go to war? Isn’t this the 21st century? Weren’t we supposed to have learned from the past wars?
I do not understand. I am confused. When I read the new paper or listen to the radio, my heart fills with rage and it hurts me inside. I have great animosity towards the ones who caused this mess. I am angry because powerful people never understand humanity, they just don’t get it.
You think when you come to America nothing bad will happen. You think people will become top priority. You think you will always be safe. You think…
I am a proud American citizen. I am a proud Iranian. I am happy to be in America. I just wish I didn’t have to see innocents die. Why am I so weak? Why can’t I be the one who helps them?
It is not easy for me to sit in my house and know that across the ocean, people are being killed. It is not easy for me to know that families are being torn apart. Instead of getting freedom, they have lost even the little freedom they had. They have lost their loved-ones because America, once again, decided to interfere. They have lost their hope because they have nothing to hold on to.
Is this freedom? Is this Democracy? If it is, why are there no signs?
I wish everyone could see what I see.

Do you ever feel like you’re trapped inside, in your thoughts, or your feelings are no longer in control?
Some things are just uncontrollable, undefined, undoable…
How do you go on? How do you save yourself from falling?
You just have to hold on, think of the things ahead, the rest of the journey…